1: You must order some sort of green leafy vegetable with your meal.
2: The sloppier the appearance of your meal is the more desperate it will make you look. Sloppy Joe's should be a staple in your diet.
3: You are not allowed to drink anything but coffee. Extra points for those who only drink it black.
4: All food makes you fat. Make sure to dwell on this very vocally during the course of your meal.
5: In between bites make sure to read at least one fourth of a chapter in your book you have besides you... Come on. I know you have one!
If you are truly emo you will only use cloth napkins. Extra kudos if it has special embroidering ;-)
Whenever possible, eat outside. IE: On a bench, under a tree, at an outside coffee house table.